Schizoaffective disorder.

So, basically, my parents think that I'm psychotic and that I have a mood disorder. Maybe I do, but I'm just having a hard time with this diagnosis because I know myself, and all my "delusions" had some basis in logic. I had a rationale for everything I believed about being the potential messiah, but with the anti-psychotic medication they have me on right now I am just dulled and "flattened". I don't care about anything anymore. Life is meaningless.

Wikipedia lists some of the negative symptoms of schizoaffective disorder as: affective flattening (lack or decline in emotional response), alogia (lack or decline in speech), avolition (lack or decline in motivation), anhedonia (lack or decline in ability to experience pleasure), lack of concentration or social withdrawal (sometimes called social anhedonia). It should be noted that negative symptoms are different from symptoms of depression.

I'm just trying to make sense of everything that has happened. I never felt any of these symptoms UNTIL they started me on my medication they have prescribed for my diagnosis. How fucked up is that? That this medication created the very symptoms of the disorder it is trying to correct. I really feel/believe that the medication reinforces if not makes these symptoms occur, because I was purely happy before I started taking it. I had plenty to talk about, I was self-motivated and I could find pleasure in the simple things.

It's like I'm stuck in this really twisted play that I can't get out of. Everybody around me sees me as "different", "delusional" or just "down". I want to be up, I want to feel happy and feel like life is meaningful again. Like I have a purpose in this world. I want to care.

Most of all, I wish I had more love in my life. I want to love someone, be able to express how much I care about them. Hold them in my arms and just be one with that moment, and them. I've never experienced that kind of love, but I believe it exists and I wish that I had it somewhere in my life.

I just want to feel passionate about something again, not flattened. Not apathetic. Not even resentful, which is what I am. My parents have given me everything: their support, their love, their time... and I'm resentful because they see me as this diminished creature who can't take care of or fend for himself. I guess I reinforce this in them because I do act rather helpless, but my psychiatrist says these meds "slow down my thinking" and I just haven't felt the same, or capable of what I used to be capable cognitively, since I first started taking them back in November/December.

December is when it all started to come crashing down. My hopes, my dreams. They were just... gone. I felt incapable of achieving them, and I felt lifeless and useless. I did feel diminished, and it upset me to no avail. I felt hopeless, and like I'd never be the same person again. And while I'm on these meds, I'm not.

Yet they say I need them. They say it's the only cure for my disorder. Acceptance and compliance. Acceptance and compliance. It's so hard to accept something that hasn't been proven true to me. Sure I exhibit some of the symptoms, but I was always able to get along fine without this medication. I had a life. I had friends. I was happy.

Why do I have to accept something that I feel to my very core is not true? And when will the healing truly begin?

Acceptance and compliance. The five stages of grief are: denial -> anger -> bargaining -> depression -> acceptance. It feels like I've been in an endless loop of all these stages EXCEPT for the fifth one. Its like I'm stuck in one of Dante's circles of hell (the "play" I mentioned earlier). I can't escape this vicious cycle and I just want to be rid of it. Be rid of everything I've attracted into my life thus far. I want a do-over.

Wonder how I can get myself one of those...

(Yes, I know they aren't possible and I need to somehow learn my lessons and move past this. But how? Any advice or comments would be greatly welcomed and appreciated, especially if you are familiar with this disorder and can enlighten me with a personal anecdote.)

...but I still find it impossible to forgive myself for the words I have said in the past.

I can't escape this negative vision of myself, and because I can't forgive myself it affects the relationships I have with everyone else in my life negatively.

I'm tortured by a past that exists (mostly) in my own head. I just want to re-find the peace of mind I had a year ago... but all I have now are fear and anxiety that guide me in the wrong directions.

What can I do to heal the scars in my heart, mind and soul? Is "time" really the only answer? Because time has seemed to only make things worse...

Is faith the answer? Faith in G-d? Or being thankful for all that I DO have? I know that it SHOULD help, but I haven't found myself able to embrace this as a solution for some time.

I'm just lost. I have so much chitter-chatter in my mind. I don't know how to listen to my intuition anymore.

...I'm lost. And I'm sorry. So sorry. Yet forgiveness... escapes me.

I want to write a really coherent, poignant entry about my thoughts on love and romance... but I am unable to form complete sentences or thoughts tonight.

I wish my parents didn't make me take these meds. They make me feel so unnatural and confused all the time... just not normal.

This weekend was good though. For anyone who cares, I met a new girl (well sort of new) and went on a moonlit canoe ride with her and 2 of her girlfriends. Thennnn, went out on the town with Lori and two of HER girlfriends. Was a really fun Saturday night, full of lots of different social experiences which I need right now so it was mostly positive and left me with a lot of impressions of myself and how I relate to others, and most importantly how I can relate better to others and what I need to feel fulfilled in a relationship.

So all in all, big learning lessons and the weekends are only going to get better from here. Going to Orlando next weekend for a HUGE party in which I will see a lot of my old college pals, and then the Nickelback concert where Chase is coming into town to go with me the weekend after that.

Should be a good couple of weeks ahead. Lots going on in my world. LOTS.

I guess busyness is good...

How are YOU?